Polyamory: A Man's Point of View

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Polyamory: A Man's Point of View
By Maximillian, reprinted with permission from Glendower, A Panfidelity Newsletter

Being in a polyfidelitous or polyamorous relationship is a new way of life and thinking for me. My personal life experience and background certainly never prepared me for this situation, the emotions, or the conflicts that this new "way" of life would create. As a typical male, from a typical middle class family, I expected to marry and cleave to one woman for my whole life. The saying about "best laid plans" comes to mind as I ponder the discussions that preceded the decision by my soul mate and myself to have a polyfidelitous relationship.

It seems it is a violation of some basic human rule of order for one to love more than one mate at a time, or such had been my training. It was permissible to feel an emotional bond with one's kin, but amour was to be reserved only for that certain someone. In the case of the male, this seems to be almost a predatorial instinct, the protection of one's turf/territory from marauders, the defense of one's possession. It is a difficult instinct to overcome, and the ugly emotions it evokes, jealousy, anger, and envy, are not easily closeted. I do not claim to have perfected my control over all these, but have come to realize that they are superseded by a more real and pressing need that my soul mate felt. I had to awaken to the fact that my mate needs the close company of others.

This initially sparked feelings of inadequacy in me. I began to wonder what part of her soul I did not reach, what portion of her heart I had left devoid. It was through her consistent reassurance, and total honesty, that I was able to begin to understand her needs. She is an extremely complex individual, with a tremendously multifaceted personality. Her nature is to touch people on many different levels, and she has always been so.

I began to realize, with her help, that is was not so much any failing of mine, but the diversity of her that sparked her need for others. I also came to understand that for one as deep as my mate is, that simple friendships are far too surface and unfulfilling. She has a deep need, almost a mission, to give to others on a more substantial level. This level is only attainable through developing an intimacy that cannot be restricted.

Throughout our extensive discussions of all facets of this "new" idea, she assured me that only with me as her anchor, did she feel safe making the voyage. I now understand that she is too intricate, too diverse, to ever be truly fulfilled by an intimate relationship with only one person.

Having accepted that these are her needs, and fully understanding the conditions that apply to her attaining them, there comes the matter of fulfillment. There is no doubt that for me, the man, it would be easier to have her mine and only mine, shared by none, all the marvelous things she is, solely for me. But that is not what love is for or about. The bond I share with her would never permit me to deny her anything that was within my power to give.

She is not my possession, not some article to display, she is a unique and wonderful being, so full of love that she wants to share it. It is the grandest stroke of fortune that I had the luck to become part of her life. How could I deny her desire to share some of the boundless love she breathes like air, when she has so much to give? So many people would offer their mate for a night of passion, but would shudder at the thought that person might actually mean something to their mate.

My mate is so dynamic a person, her gift of herself so rare and so beautiful, that it would seem a travesty against Nature for her to offer it to one she cared nothing about. She has not faltered to show her love to me through any trial, and though she has drawn others to her, it seems to only enrich that which we have grown together. I know I should never doubt her bond with me, but instead let her grow to become who she will, and grow with her. If I let my soul and reason rule the day, and forsake the urge to ownership, then I show her the respect, trust and love I feel for her.

It is not always simple to live by the standards I have set forth above. Old habits, old creeds and canons do not go gracefully. But I have made her happiness my singular goal, for my love for her will permit nothing else. I ask her only to seek another who will care for her, and respect her, as I do. When she finds such a person, I rejoice with her. I see no risk of loss, other than the loss of my ridiculous male vanity, things which I found to have little value on the open market anyway. When I lie in her arms, and see the glow in her eyes, I know that she is happy, and no treasure could be more precious than that.

There is a richness of heart in her, a wealth of caring and loving that is so rare in this sad and desperate world that I would be bereft of character not to share it. As she grows, I grow with her as well.

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