NOTE There is evidence the instructions
below is a joke or hoax even though it is sometimes sourced to a 1998 course in
Human Sexuality at the University of Washington
http://depts.washington.edu/psy210/
It is fun to read but probably is not authentic!
The following is "Claimed" a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall
Issue, 1894 but probably is a hoax:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press
New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing,
the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her
life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is
the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph
in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the
negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the
piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women
actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware
such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such
a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper
marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at
best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been
by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous
home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego
the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach
his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such
nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride
will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months
of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in
this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective,
if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence
his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and
discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to
have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage
and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing
and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the
husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social
pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible,
the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual
contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance,
would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices
include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the
female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and
drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely
to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her
husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed
body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total
darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves
and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They
need not be removed burning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should
lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room
she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign
of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope
that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on
her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so
that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her
hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace
else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce
that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss
in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will
suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers
she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the
time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact,
he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and
only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing
and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances
grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed
the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes
him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction
from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must
insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might
be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the
husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together
all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual
feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with
shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage
and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely
her husband's desire for sexual expression.